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What is a good parent? Let’s turn the tables. We have discussed much about our schools and our administration here, but what about parents? What is a “good parent” in Readington, circa 2005?
It probably isn’t your father’s Oldsmobile, to re-purpose an old advertising line. Child rearing has changed dramatically in past decades, and what was common practice before is now quaint memories of bygone times. Modern life demands more of adults, and, in turn, we demand more of our children. To reduce a big subject to a manageable size, we will concern ourselves here with five top-level characteristics of good parenting in our town. The buck stops here In Readington, as in most of modern America, children interact with hordes of adult specialists, including pediatricians, teachers, principals, school psychologists and counselors, child-study team members, government agency caseworkers, birthday party entertainers, portrait photographers, babysitters, day care workers, religious organization staff, sports coaches, camp counselors, and who knows who else. It is almost understandable how a parent today could feel a lack of responsibility for his or her own child. If Johnny can't read, it is the teacher's fault. If he can't kick a ball or follow the game rules, it is the soccer coach's fault. If he can't sit still for three minutes, the portrait photographer or the child study team must be deficient. In truth, it is the parent who must take responsibility for all aspects of the child's development. A good parent makes an unwavering commitment to take control of their child's life. The advice of teachers, pediatricians or psychologists is welcomed, but not swallowed whole without chewing. That may mean requesting changes in class assignments or seeking a second medical opinion, or it may mean choking down one’s own pride and admitting that you were wrong. Yet, that is the requirement for success. Only the parent can rightly make decisions for his or her child and if it is uncomfortable to challenge specialists in education, or medicine, or entertainment: so be it. Parents, of course, are not infallible. Good parents make mistakes. Over the long term, though, good parents are self-correcting if they are intellectually honest about appraising the development of their child. A recurring theme in stories about over-achieving schools and students is parents who are intimately and even methodically involved in the education of their children. When children understand by example that their parents are paying close attention to their progress, that their parents are willing to make tough calls in trying circumstances, and that their parents will follow through no matter what, then the children will perform according to the expectations of their parents. Strong parental involvement has been shown to trump the negative effects of poor teaching, bad curriculum, economic conditions and more. These sorts of issues may not face Readington students, but the positive influence of parents is still powerful. The Japanese model of education is one worth studying as far as the remarkable power of parental involvement. The bottom line is that good parents do more than simply a nightly homework check and a goodnight kiss on the cheek. Good parents take absolute control of the education of their child and make it their own responsibility to ensure success. Planting seed We reap what we sow. Good parents understand that sacrifices must be made in order to maximize the growth of their children. Our children look to us as models of the sorts of behaviors and actions that they should emulate. Studies many years ago showed that daughters with mothers who smoked cigarettes were far more likely to take up the habit themselves. It works the other way too. Children who see their parents reading books and newspapers for pleasure, who see their parents writing letters or emails to friends, and who witness their parents having frequent in-depth discussions with neighbors about the world are children who are likely to be more successful in areas of literacy than they would otherwise be. Good parents also model for their children the behaviors that have led them to be successful and the passion that has led them to enjoy some element of life. When children observe their parents take pleasure in being a closet musician, or an avid fisherman, or a frugal shopper, they take away the understanding that practice, specialization of interests, and goal-setting are worthwhile objectives which lead to a special kind of satisfaction. Good parents model what they would have their children achieve. Bad parents don’t realize they are modeling. Parents who share their passions are rewarded with children who will grow their own. Developmental Changes When your child is born, your entire life is centered on giving unconditional attention to your baby. The slightest cry brings you running. Food, poop and naps are the basis for the entire parent-child relationship. A baby should have unconditional attention in order to feel comfortable that a communicative cry will bring relief to the particular bodily need of the moment. As the baby turns into a toddler, though, the parents must learn to change their approaches both for their own sanity and the maturation of the child. The toddler will undoubtedly become demanding and learn the joy of the word "no" in answer to parental requests. Parents must make the transition from jumping at every cry to using calm techniques such as distraction, anticipation of problems and reorganization of circumstances in order to carry out their will and illustrate new means of communication. Reasoning will not work with a toddler, nor will shouting be productive. With each stage of child development, in fact, there are specific techniques and forms of communication that parents must master in order to promote the maturation of their child. This is true right up until adulthood. Unfortunately, there is no flashing sign to indicate when a new phase of development is reached. Instead, children gradually change and good parents must be observant enough to recognize each stage and be knowledgeable enough to respond to the change. Failure to do so often results in children who direct the lives of their parents rather than the opposite. Good parents learn to tailor their parenting to the stages of development. Communication This website has harped on the importance of communication between school district and stakeholder, but the same principles apply to parents and their children and parents and the school district. Good parents practice clear, consistent and frequent communication with their children and with their schools. This kind of communication helps the child understand that things are what they are and that Mom and Dad mean what they say. Plus, a predictable frequency of communication helps the child make meaning of their place in the world. In the realm of school communication, clear and frequent contact with teachers and others helps to avoid misunderstandings and missed opportunities. Everyone knows that children will test and attempt to bend the will of their parents. Yet, when "no" means "no way, ever" the child understands that there is little point in arguing and therefore moves on toward learning to deal with disappointment or with delayed satisfaction. When "no" means "ask again and whine a little to get to yes" then the child will test and test again until the desired outcome is found. That is the essence of the "sandpaper effect" in which a child grinds the parent down until the shape the child wants is achieved. As another example, good parents know that using frequent communication to stay involved in school life and the unique point of view of their children helps to create a self-fulfilling prophesy of achievement. When both children and teachers truly believe that the parent understands their desires, their requirements, and their roadblocks, a genuine dialog is more likely. Such a dialog is paramount to the creation of joint goals and it is frequently the means by which roadblocks may be bypassed. A child who feels free to communicate with their parent is a child who has the support to explore new worlds. Exploration and learning is the key to achievement. Therefore, communication can help children build on their experience. Seeing from four feet high A child returns from school and mumbles something about so-and-so on the playground ignoring the rules. The parent is dismissive, tells the child to ignore so-and-so, and inquires about math class. The playground behavior, in the grown-up scheme of things, probably is unimportant. The parent would much rather understand how the child is coming along with fractions in math class. However, to the child who is witnessing this sort of playground behavior for the first time, it is very big deal indeed. Good parents understand that their children do not have the perspective of an adult. As a parent it is very easy to overlook small problems that will develop into large concerns down the line. It is easy to offer advice that is not helpful for a child lacking adult perspective. Good parents learn to think again like a child and see the world through their child's eyes. This helps to prevent subtle signals of distress being missed and it allows parents further opportunity to foster emotional and intellectual growth. In fact, many "teachable moments" that could become opportunities to teach values and value judgments depend on the parental ability to recognize difficult or demanding circumstances as seen through a child's eyes. Social interaction with peers on playgrounds and with teachers and other adults in school is very often the catalyst for new understanding, provided the parent is insightful enough to see what the child sees. Being able to tailor your advice and council to the child's perception of the universe can make the difference between your child's maturation or his feeling of hopelessness. What is a good parent? A full answer could fill several volumes. However, if we as parents can learn to take complete responsibility for our children, if we can model our enthusiasm for some aspect of life, if we can modify our parenting as our children mature and use clear communication along the way, and if we can understand the world through their eyes, then we will be well on our way to creating happy, healthy adults capable of making their way in the modern world. How about that, Wally? |
