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Privately educators from the college level down to the elementary level bemoan what they refer to as “helicopter” parents. The term refers to hyper-involved parents who hover above their children at all times, ready to swoop in and rescue them from the slightest difficulty. Overprotective helicopter parents can unknowingly create children who either lack the confidence to do anything on their own, or who are too confident or even arrogant based on the knowledge that mom or dad will always save them from disaster. Such children cannot cope with disappointment and will struggle to become self-reliant.

How do you know if you are a helicopter parent?

Parental involvement is a consistent predictor of academic success in children, so it isn’t as though keeping in contact with teachers, following up on homework and keeping tabs on the social life of your child should be taboo. Rather, the line is crossed when a child’s opportunity to learn from his own mistakes and to forge his own path is consistently taken away by the parental sea-air rescue crew chopping through the air above. The transition that parents must make from the daycare-preschool years to the elementary school years is often a period when helicopter parents are born. It can be difficult for parents to recognize during this transitional period that their child has reached a new phase.

At the elementary level parents and teachers should be natural allies. Even so, there is often awkwardness to communication between parent and teacher that is influenced by what Harvard Professor of Education Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot calls “ghosts in the classroom.” In her book “The Essential Conversation” she writes:

“Every time parents and teachers encounter one another in the classroom, their conversations are shaped by their own autobiographical stories and by the broader cultural and historical narratives that inform their identities, their values and their sense of place in the world.”

No wonder parent-teacher conferences can be tense and sometimes unproductive. Some teachers are better than others in fostering adult communication and some parents are too. Some teachers are more comfortable with parental input than others. Experts recommend regular contact between parents and teachers to avoid tense meetings and to increase the flow of authentic information. An email, a note or brief phone call made once a quarter, once a month or once a week is often helpful and appropriate, depending on the child. Regular contact breaks down barriers and banishes the ghosts in the classroom.

Helicopter parents may take this too far, though. If you find yourself contacting the teacher or the principal every day, or engaging in very long conversations several times a week, it could well be time to step back and take a breath. Are you focused on a one-time problem, or is this an unvarying need you feel to intrude? Do you find yourself quizzing your child daily on his teacher’s behavior? Do you find yourself criticizing the teacher in front of your child? Behavior like this indicates that you have grown a set of rotor-blades on your back.

Similarly, the line can be crossed if you find yourself obsessed with volunteering in the classroom, chaperoning every field trip, or buzzing around the school building at the slightest excuse. Your child needs room to grow, to find his own voice and to manage his own affairs. Your occasional physical presence in school is fun and healthy for your child. Beyond that, you are cramping his style.

Helicopter parents can be overbearing at home too. Establishing a routine time and place in your home for your child to complete homework is an excellent idea. Once the routine is established, walk away. Your child should have the wherewithal to complete the homework himself, perhaps with an occasional question for you. If necessary, check the work after it is complete and allow him time to make corrections on his own. If you find yourself breathing down the back of his neck, one foot mounted on his chair and an eraser in your hand—you have probably crossed the line. Helicopter parents may become fixated on their child turning in “perfect” work to the teacher the next day. They may even “help” with some writing and corrections in order to facilitate this perfect work. As a result, the teacher will not know that the child is having difficulty in a particular area, the child will not benefit from recognizing and correcting his own mistakes and the parent will foster one more step toward dependency. These same principles apply on the playing fields and other after-school activities where parents are sometimes over-active.

None of this is to suggest that there are not times when it is appropriate for a parent to be an aggressive advocate for their child. Certainly there are unique or urgent circumstances that call for a parent to step in and take control. These are generally one-time events or a series of events related to one issue. Helicopter parents hover over most or all events in the life of their child and most or all issues facing their child. There are also legitimate reasons to be involved in the affairs of your child’s school without imposing your presence on the child himself.

Some advice for avoiding becoming a helicopter parent:

• Volunteer in a low-key manner and keep school visits to the point that your child and his teacher are still obviously delighted to see you.
• Communicate with your child’s teacher regularly but briefly. Don’t expect instant answers; your child is not the only one in the classroom. On the other hand, don’t leave simmering issues unspoken or unaddressed either.
• Respect the opinions of professionals who may be telling you things about your child that you don’t wish to hear. Analyze the information before becoming angry or defensive. It isn’t unusual for professionals to see a different side of your child or to understand behavior under a different interpretation than you. Together you can accomplish more.
• Allow your child to make mistakes on homework and on the playing fields. Give him advice if he asks, but allow him to find his own answers. When correcting, note that a mistake is evident and allow your child to find it and fix it. There is no reason for you, the parent, to be holding a pencil or an eraser.
• If your child expresses an interest in a subject or an endeavor, let that interest take a natural course. Avoid forcing your own desires or interests on your child. Require that your child finish what he started but allow him the decision to start. Use failure as a “teachable moment” rather than a reason to jump in and “fix” it for him.

Recognize that your role as a parent is not to raise a doctor or a lawyer, not to create a perfect specimen human, and not to prevent the slightest pain in the life of your offspring. Instead, the role of a parent is to raise a child who will be able to make his own choice to be a doctor or a lawyer, who will be able to establish his own view of the perfect specimen, and who will have the confidence to overcome the inevitable pain in his life.

Probably every parent is guilty of hovering too closely at one time or another. The trick to good parenting is not to hover too closely all of the time.