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I Hate Going To School!
Released to the web September 10, 2006 "I hate going to school!" As a parent you hope that your child will find the school day rewarding and enjoyable on some level. You want to send your son or daughter off on the bus in the morning knowing that they will come home in the afternoon having learned something interesting, having met a new friend, or having discovered a new aspect of themselves which they are eager to share with you. But, it isn’t always that way. Sometimes children come home at the end of the day aggravated, or exhausted, or distraught. In fact, some children can start the day that way because they anticipate how they will feel when they get to school. The first few weeks of a new school year can often be when these sorts of feelings are manifested, and those first weeks can also be a critical period when a child’s attitude for the rest of the year is established. The reasons for a child hating to go to school are as varied as children themselves. A child’s fear of the unknown, a teacher or another adult who has made missteps, peers who bully or intimidate, physical circumstances, family strife, unidentified developmental or emotional issues, and many other factors can be at play. Ignoring the issue and hoping it will go away is not an effective parental strategy, but neither is flying off the handle in a fit of rage directed at the school. Your child holds the clues you need to diagnose and remedy the problem—the trick is to listen without suggesting; to suppress your own anger or frustration and concentrate on your child’s concerns. In younger children, especially, the transition from summer freedom to school schedule can be disturbing. There are physical issues such as sleep and meal times which can wreak havoc. K-3 students need at least 9-10 hours of sleep, and they may have become accustomed to getting that sleep during hours that don’t coincide with school schedules. Similarly, they may be accustomed to eating or drinking in a manner inconsistent with their new schedule. Lunch times in Readington schools vary widely due to the amount of kids that must be shuttled through the same lunchrooms. An especially early or late lunch period can make for a cranky child. Sometimes a discussion with your child’s teacher can lead to improvements such as a free-form snack time or capped water bottles available on the student’s desk. Appropriate bedtimes and solid breakfast menus can also make a big difference. Emotional strains are another common problem with younger students. A fear of the unknown can reverberate throughout a child’s day. Some children are “slow to warm up” to new circumstances and withdraw into themselves to avoid facing their fear. A new teacher, unknown peers, new academic pressures and misunderstood expectations can all contribute to this strain. If you recognize this strain in your child, a heart-to-heart talk during a quiet time can be used to set manageable goals for your child. A discussion with his or her teacher will allow that professional to be alert to the distress and to make allowances wherever possible. It isn’t uncommon for a student to appear relatively ordinary in school and then break down completely when he or she gets home. The teacher may not know your student well enough to see the difference between shyness and withdrawal. Older elementary students may have learned better how to cope with changed schedules and emotional ups and downs, but they are also now more aware of their environment and their “hatred” of school can be due to more subtle issues. For example, some children are highly tuned to social relationships and can be devastated by peer conflicts or even teacher conflicts. While we would like to think that teachers are objective professionals who are unaffected by social relationships with students, the truth is that teachers are humans too, with all the biases and preconceived notions that the rest of us experience. What happens when your student and his or her teacher just don’t get along? The article My Teacher Doesn’t Like Me! in the August 2006 issue of the ASCD (Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development) Education Update identifies three common reasons for teachers not bonding positively with students. First, some teachers are programmed from their own upbringing to interact a certain way with others. For example, they may be demanding and strict with students or they may frequently raise their voice because that is the way they were raised. If a student comes from a family which is soft spoken and which allows more freedom of choice within a framework, that child can quickly become frustrated in this classroom. Further, the teacher may interpret this student’s behavior as disobedient or disrespectful due to the different frames of reference, and that can feed on itself. Second, a teacher may find that your child reminds him or her of another “problem” student or even someone else outside of the school system. This “transference” has nothing to do with your child, but it may create a barrier to genuine communication between the teacher and student. It is the baggage of the teacher, in this case, and it is the teacher who must come to grips with the problem. Third, sometimes a teacher’s perception of a student is clouded by resentment, or envy, or other emotional states. A teacher may perceive a student as a wealthy snob or as over-bearing; the teacher may be privately jealous of a talent or a family advantage. It is worth mentioning that these perceptions can be based on truth. Very often a child’s behavior is different in class than at home, and parents have been surprised to discover how their child carries him or herself outside of the home. Nevertheless, it is the adult teacher who must find an appropriate way to respond. The ASCD article recommends that teachers go through a reflection process to help them understand their true feelings, a process which includes a written statement, a reflection on the truth of that statement, a consideration of alternatives, and a restatement. This process is designed to help teachers be objective. Parents, however, can also benefit from this process. When a teacher and student don’t get along, the entire school year is threatened for the student. It is critical to openly discuss this issue as soon as possible and to delicately sort out the root cause. Parents can start the conversation by asking the teacher how their child behaves in the classroom. Is the description very different from the child at home? A discussion of family dynamics can be next. For instance, if a teacher understands that the family is soft-spoken and undemanding, he or she can better relate to your child and adjust the classroom dynamics accordingly. In any human relationship an understanding of the other person’s personality and background will lead to more meaningful communication even if the parties don’t see eye to eye. Parents and teachers must be honest with each other and themselves in order to nip this problem early. At different periods of child social and emotional development seemingly small events can take on gigantic proportions, and this is a fact that adults easily overlook. A child who “hates” school may be bothered by anxiety about easily manageable things. A lunch period with long cafeteria lines and little time to eat, or a bus driver who is short with your student, or a misunderstood rule or policy, or a fear of public humiliation, or long period between bathroom breaks can make the difference to a child between enjoying and “hating” school. Sometimes simply discussing and acknowledging these anxieties with your child will help him or her learn to cope with them. In some cases, making teachers and other school staff aware of the situation will give you an ally within the school to help your student cope. There are instances when the issue is not school at all, but your family or your home life. When parents are going through divorce, serious health issues or financial issues, when parents have developed an unhealthy attachment or lack of attachment to their children, or when a sibling is demanding extra time from parents for some reason, a child may act out in school or complain about school in order to gain attention and concern from their parents. Self-reflection and honesty from parents is the only way these factors can be ameliorated. When the school year is far enough along that academics have started in earnest, new issues can crop up. When a student feels unable to keep up with peers, or is having difficulty with specific skills, the student may simply shut down and give up instead of forging through. Again, relatively small problems loom large in the mind of a child. You may be perfectly happy that your child is keeping up well with the mainstream of student progress, but your child may sit next to an especially talented math wiz. When your child compares him or herself to that math wiz, feelings of inferiority can be crushing. The words “I hate school!” really mean “I feel like I’m having trouble keeping up.” That trouble can be related to many other factors, too, including failing vision, dyslexia, short attention span, or lack of a big enough breakfast. The parent must deepen the conversation enough to get past “I hate school!” to “I’m having trouble reading small print.” The child doesn’t always have the perspective to understand the difference. Another academically related issue is the pressure from parents or from others to be perfect or to excel beyond average. An undue focus by parents on grades, test scores, and class comparison can give young children the impression that they cannot ever be good enough. That feeling easily translates into a dislike for school in general. Asking “what did you learn today” kinds of questions over “what did you score on that test” kinds of questions can make a positive difference in this instance. Students who really are academically advanced can be put off by activities they consider to be busy work or futile exercises in repetition. Yet, this is typically less common than children who feel pressured by parents to play the role of child genius. In a September 11, 2006 Newsweek article called The New First Grade: Too Much Too Soon?, Professor Dominic Gullo of Queens College notes that: “If you push kids too hard, they get frustrated. Those are the kids who act out, and who can look like they have attention-span or behavior problems.” With some competitive parents going so far as to hold kids back a year simply so they can “compete” better in their class, the ultimate result is probably not surprising. Notes Principal Holly Hultgren of Lafayette Elementary School in Colorado: "I worry that we are creating school environments that are less friendly to kids who just aren’t ready…Around third grade even the most precocious kids begin to burn out.” Parents and schools must realize that the learning environment they create depends in large part on what students hear as important to the adults. “Hating” school can really mean “hating” the artificial or unreachable expectations placed on the child. In older students, the reasons for “hating” school generally are less about academics and more about social and emotional states. As children become more sophisticated about social interaction, they also become more sensitive to slights and to status. Social cliques, bullies both male and female, and status related to things as mundane as dress can make all the difference. Your daughter may “hate” school because she can’t wear the same shoes the popular clique wears. Your son may “hate” school because his growth spurt made him tower above his classmates and he feels out of place. Put downs or physical threats from bullies can take the joy out of any school day. When hormones start to kick in, dealing with the opposite sex opens up a whole new realm of possibility for “hating” school. So, how does a parent correctly deal with all of these intractable problems? Here are some basic guidelines:
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